Making Space for Anger as an Asian Woman

Blog written to celebrate AAPI (Asian American & Pacific Islander) Heritage Month & Mental Health Awareness Month

Growing up as an Asian/Asian-American woman, there was one feeling that was the most difficult for me to experience: ANGER.

What “Good” Girls Are Taught

As a child, I was taught to be obedient, compliant, cooperative, and respectful, which aren’t necessarily bad things to be. In Filipino culture, values like optimism, hospitality, and social harmony are highlighted. But along with that, I also learned not to take up space…and definitely under no circumstances was it okay to make a scene. And guess what? Angry people make a scene. They yell, fight, are aggressive, disagreeable, and make bad decisions. And this isn’t totally untrue. But what I didn’t know was that anger could also be expressed appropriately and effectively. That anger could actually be helpful. Healthy expression of anger was not something that I saw modeled by others as a child.

The Problem With "Let It Go”

When I would share my anger as a kid, I’d hear things like: just let it go, don’t be angry, it’s not that serious, you’re overreacting, God wouldn’t want you to be mad, it’s not good to be angry, don’t show it. (*cue what Elsa’s parents told her in Frozen: “Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show”)❄️

But that was the issue — you can’t just “let go” of anger. Or any feeling for that matter. I would avoid, dismiss, suppress, even invalidate my anger just to make it go away in that moment, only for it to grow internally. I was never really “letting go”, I was putting the anger away for it to burst out at another time. I was really just storing it.

Fearing My Anger

Eventually, I became afraid of my own anger. I didn’t trust what would happen if I actually let myself feel it.

Over time, I found myself losing my cool more and more, which only made me more fearful. I would argue with my mom and say rude things or say things in a mean way or yell, only to feel ashamed because I knew those things weren’t okay. But the more I tried to hide my anger, the more it came out in ways I didn’t like. And the more I was labeled “an angry person.”

Understanding My Mom’s Story

Now that I’m older, I find that my mom’s POV makes so much sense. As an immigrant who moved countries and experienced so much pain and grief in her life, she carried a lot of anger too. And she had every reason to be angry at the world. But her context was different. She was in survival mode and people in survival mode don’t always have the space to process emotions, particularly anger. Emotional awareness wasn’t the priority, survival was.

She wasn’t trying to hurt me but was in fact trying to help me. The only difference was that strategies that seemingly helped her in her context weren’t always the most beneficial for mine.

And slowly over time I learned that the answer to managing my anger was actually simple: I needed to feel my anger.

A Simple Yet Not So Easy Truth

It hit me: anger isn’t the problem. I needed to unlearn many of the beliefs I had about anger. It’s not a bad emotion at all. It’s a signal. It tells you that something matters, that a boundary’s been crossed, that something doesn’t feel right. It can also be a lesson in acceptance and tolerance. That feeling angry is NORMAL and that being mad is OKAY. And most importantly, it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Once I started letting myself feel mad, something changed. It became easier to choose how I responded. Just because I felt angry didn’t mean I had to act out. That even if I was angry, it wouldn’t get to choose what I did next. I get to choose.

I think back on those fights with my mom and realize that we were just two women who didn’t know what to do with our anger. We were just trying to protect ourselves by pushing it down, but instead let it out on each other. If only someone had told us our anger wasn’t the enemy…and neither were we.

Anger as Strength, Not Weakness

So to my fellow Asian women: GET MAD. BE MAD. It’s okay! It’s normal! IT’S HEALTHY!

You may not always get to choose your emotions, but you do get to choose what you do with them. And the more you let yourself feel your anger, the less it can control you.

Anger doesn’t have to be so scary. It’s not bad and it doesn’t make you a bad person. Honestly? Letting yourself be angry might be one of the strongest things you can do. AND GUESS WHAT? YOU ARE STRONG.💪